Ultima Stones | Ultima VII Home | Library | Who's Who
NPC 062:
Snaz, the Smart@$$ Beggar[+bye +job +name]
You see a filthy beggar who flashes you a grin as though you were his best friend in the whole world.
"Hello again, Avatar," says Snaz.
name{
"I am called Snaz."
}[-name]
job{
"I have no job for I am a beggar. For a gold coin I shall tell thee a joke."
}[+tell a joke +beggar]
beggar{
"When I was just a little boy I was made an orphan and left homeless and penniless. That was a joke life played on me.
'Tis a funny joke, eh?
"But I would not charge thee a gold piece for that one."
}[-beggar]
tell a joke
"Dost thou wish to hear one?"
yes{
"All right, here is one..."
[+Fellowship joke]
"If thou dost want to hear a joke, thou must pay me, Avatar. Come back when thy pockets are full. The richer thou art, the funnier I get!"
}else{
"Have a heart, I pray thee! I have a wife and six hungry children to feed." He feels your stare upon him. "Oh, very well.
Wouldst thou believe I have a cat and it just had kittens?"
}
}[-tell a joke]
Fellowship joke{
"I was discussing philosophy with a Fellowship member the other day and he asked me, 'What, in thine opinion, is the height of stupidity?'
"So I said, 'I do not know. How tall art thou?'
"No, really, I make sport of The Fellowship, but I mean it sincerely..."
}[-Fellowship joke +Lord British joke +Fellowship]
Fellowship{
"That is what I dearly love about The Fellowship. They could always take a joke!
"And from what I hear they play funny jokes themselves! Like the joke they played in Trinsic!"
}[-Fellowship]
Lord British joke{
"For a gold coin I will tell thee another. Dost thou wish to hear it?"
no{
"I see I have reached the limits of thy sense of humor."
[-Lord British joke]
}else{
"I was at the castle of Lord British the other day and I noticed he has three large pools. So I asked why he doth have three of them.
"He pointed to the first one and said the first was to swim in cool water.
"The second was for friends to swim in warm water.
"I noticed that the third pool was empty and I asked him why.
"He said that it was for people who could not swim!"
[-Lord British joke +Weston joke +Lord British]
"Thou art more destitute than I! If I tell thee any more jokes now thou mayest steal mine act!"
}
}[-Lord British joke]
Lord British{
"Poor Lord British! When faced with a gigantic menace that threatens his entire kingdom he is an extremely capable ruler.
"But what happens when there are a myriad of smaller things that all threaten the welfare of his people indirectly?
"There is a riddle for thee to solve!"
}[-Lord British]
Weston joke{
"For a gold coin I will tell thee another. Dost thou wish to hear it?"
no{
"Very well. If thou didst not get the first two there is no good reason for me to continue now."
[-Weston joke]
}else{
"A man named Weston came to me deep in perplexity.
"He told me he wanted to steal some apples from the Royal Orchards but if he did he would feel bad about it in the morning.
"So I gave him this advice -- sleep until noon!"
[-Weston joke +mage joke +Weston]
"Thy pockets are empty, Avatar. Perhaps it is time to stop laughing and start worrying!"
}
}[-Weston joke]
Weston{
"Weston now sits in the castle prison, where he shall most certainly rot for the rest of his life. Heh-heh-heh!
"Try as I might, I cannot best that little jest!"
}[-Weston]
mage joke{
"For a gold coin I will tell thee another. Dost thou wish to hear it?"
No{
"Thou art wise. Thou shouldst save thy gold to pay a healer to cure that ache in thy side."
[-mage joke]
}else{
"Whilst travelling on the road I came across a mage.
"He looked as if he had not eaten for days and complained of a terrible pain in his stomach.
"So I told him his stomach was empty. If he put something in it he would feel better.
"Later he complained to me of a headache. I said his headache was caused by a similar problem as his stomach.
"No doubt it did hurt him so because, being a mage, there was nothing left in it!"
[-mage joke +Sullivan joke +mages]
"Now thou art playing a joke on me. Thou art broke!"
}
}[-mage joke]
mages{
"All of the mages have gone daft or mad! What other proper response is there in a world that is so terrifically funny?!"
}[-mages]
Sullivan joke{
"Thou art a brave Avatar! Dost thou wish to hear another?"
no{
"Aha! Not as brave as I thought!"
[-joke five]
}else{
"Didst thou knowest that the notorious Sullivan the Trickster recently became a father?
"It is true! They say the baby has his father's eyes and his mother's nose, but they made the baby give them back."
[-Sullivan joke +gold joke +Sullivan]
"Thou mayest be laughing but surely thy purse is not, for it is empty."
}
}
Sullivan{
"Yes, I know the man they call Sullivan the Trickster! In fact thou dost remind me of him!
"Or does he remind me of thee?
"He is so tricky that just talking about him has caused me to trick myself! Heh-Hee-Haa!"
}[-Sullivan]
gold joke{
"I have amused thee so far! Wouldst thou like to hear another? It is a joke about gold!"
yes{
"Thank thee very much! Now, goodbye!"
"Dost thou get it? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! If not, it would be my pleasure to repeat it."
"Wouldst thou like to hear the gold joke again?"
yes{
"Now listen carefully..."
"Oh, I am so sorry. I cannot tell thee the joke again for thou art out of money."
}else{
"I see thou art becoming wise to the ways of show business, Avatar. Good day to thee!"
}
}else{
"I can see thou art so poor that thou cannot even afford a sense of humor!"
"Oh, it is a pity that thou dost not wish to hear it! It is the funniest one yet and my personal favorite!"
}
}[-gold joke]
bye{
"I do hope I did amuse thee."END
}//Spare change? ... Got a coin for me? ... Jokes for sale! ... Handouts accepted!//